Hmmm. It’s hypocritical, I know. Feeling the need to write this down instead of having to tell you how I really feel. Perhaps for a moment there I made you believe that you were a special part of my life. That we’d remain friends forever or whatever. But I thought I also made you understand that you couldn’t trust me.
My only wish is that you understand that I don’t do these things because I want to. I do these things because I was made this way. It is the way I am. It is the life I have chosen. It is the life I have been living. And I have tried so hard to change. I’ve had my moments of silence where I wanted to stay on my own and away from everyone that I could potentially hurt. But you wouldn’t allow me. You liked this version of me. You fed me poison.
But did you know? That once I cared too much for people who didn’t quite feel the same. That I was compliant and nice and obedient. That I was empathetic and religious and sometimes humble.
This life has hardened my interior. I can’t sympathise. I can’t empathise either. I can’t feel the same pain that you feel so gravely. The guilt is there, yes, but it has always been. That’s how I know I’m still human.
I wanted to tell you so many times that I wanted out. That you didn’t treat me right sometimes. That I loved my own space and wanted to be alone. That I enjoyed being loud and silly in public. That I wasn’t into this sophisticated get up that you and your friends had. That I was just me.
I miss the days when I would come from school to a good read. I miss those days when tears freely fell from my eyes and dug troughs through my cheeks. The days when I studied so hard because I remembered what I was here for. The days when a little piece of who I really am was evident in my actions.
I’m different now, I know. I can’t be trusted. I’m unreliable, yes, but never self-centred. I say a lot of things I don’t mean. I have made a lot of mistakes these past few months that have defined who I am in other people’s eyes. But I have learned to let go. I have learned that in this life people like me are placed here to teach people like you lessons. You can only rely on God.
You’ll never like my true self. Because she’s smart and obedient. She’s overly emotional. She likes to read, write and draw. She’s afraid to try out new things so she stays indoors all the time. In her mind she exists in a fantasy world where she can be whoever she wants. That she doesn’t have any real life problems because she’s afraid of reality. Afraid of people like you.
What I have done, whether intentionally or unintentionally, has been in our best interest. I sound villainous, I know, but when have I ever sounded different. You’ll realise that you’re better off without me. That you don’t need me. And when you do, you’ll be at peace.